Hard hats

Some days, being a working mother is just fucking hard. Watching Lauren cry so hard she was hiccuping when I had to leave her this morning with daddy...there are just no words. No words.

I've been thinking lately about all of the hats that we all wear, and our decisions, and how those decisions affect what hats we wear all day long. I made a decision a long time ago to go after a career, chase it as hard as I could. When I was 10 years old in my bedroom studying for straight A's, I didn't think about how getting straight A's would ultimately lead to a career; I was just focused on getting straight A's. And I wanted to be the top 6th grade student. When I was the top 6th grade student, I then wanted to be the top 8th grade student. (Seeing a pattern here?) After that, I wanted to be valedictorian - and have the hightest grade point average of my graduating class. I sacrificed a lot - and worked really fucking hard while most people were goofing off - and I got scholarships to college. And then after undergrad, I thought - well, I'm going to do it eventually, so I'll get my Master's degree because the economy is shit and my mom did it so I'm doing it.

Being focused and driven is a personality trait that I cannot escape, for better or worse. It is who I am. It is who I am when I get out of bed in the morning, and who I am when I go to bed at night. Thoughts of the future consume me - I'm always thinking of the next step and where I want to be.

The thing you don't think of when you are 10 years old is that someday, you're going to have babies and you're going to want to stay home with those babies and raise them. And you're not going to want to have co-workers and meetings and bosses and feedback and a desk and a commute and coffee breaks and status updates and bosses with grey hair that really don't give a shit that you're a new mom. Men don't understand these things.  Men don't know what it's like to carry a person inside of you for 10 months, give her your milk when she's born and that one day you have to leave her.  You have to leave her and go make money because you're supporting your family, and you have to go act like you care about funds from operations and net income.  Some days I do care - and I feel challenged, and those are the good days. Other days, I really just want to stay home and cuddle my baby, drink my coffee during the View and call it a day.

I don't think that I would be 100% happy as a stay at home mother, and this I know.  Most days I'm happy to go to my desk and my safe routine and feel productive. My day is NOT surrounded by small people who poop their pants and teeth on my legs. I love her with all my heart, but I love me too, and I was me before I was her mother.  I know that I have to go make money, but she doesn't know where I go. She doesn't know about jobs and money yet.  She just knows that I leave her.

On days like this, when it's hard to hold the tears back and get through the day, I think of my daughter and I have to think of the big picture. I want her to know that her mother was loving, and loved her, but that she was intelligent and worked hard and she was sharp and set her goals high and achieved them. My mother is brilliant, and I watched her be brilliant and work my entire childhood. When she stood on the stage and directed her choirs, in her sparkling outfits with head held high in front of an entire audience, I was so proud of her that I wanted to explode. "That is my mother!" I thought, who is confident and can do anything.  I know that my daugher won't come to my desk and see me punch a calculator and feel exactly the same things. But I want her to know that she can do anything, whether it's stand in front of an audience and direct beautiful music, or compete in a man's world. Whatever the symphony of her heart is, and wherever it leads her, I pray that she has the confidence to accomplish it all.
♥ V