"Not even the slickest wordsmith or spinning spin master can describe the delight and dedication which is motherhood. This is a secret society which words cannot touch, but the heart holds dear."
-Kelly Cutrone
I just finished my most recent read, Kelly Cutrone's new novel, "If You Have to Cry, Go Outside...and Other Things Your Mother Never Told You." I was first introduced to Kelly Cutrone on "The Hills" as the owner of People's Revolution, the PR firm which employed (I use the term lightly) Lauren Conrad, the young star fresh off of Laguna Beach. I ♥ the Hills. I am not afraid to say it, and I have been a cult follower for years. Kelly Cutrone was the figure dressed in all black in the back, running the show, barking orders, and quite obviously NOT wearing any makeup. Working next to a 22 year old starlet living the LA lifestyle from a privileged family, let's just say that when the camera cut to a shot of her, it could only be described as terrifying.
Recently, she has been given her own show on Bravo, "Kell on Earth." Again, the same picture is painted: scary lady, living the fast paced fashion life in NYC. I really did not have ANY interest in learning more about this woman, until she was featured on a blog I follow daily, "Storked!" which is written by a young author who is a single mother in NYC. Come to find out, Kelly Cutrone is also a single mother, and she has a beautiful young daughter named Ava. This witch is a mother? I had to know more.
I was not disappointed and I'm delighted I decided to learn more: I read her book in 3 days. I read it on the treadmill at lunch, at night before bed, and at the waiting room at my doctor. She is beyond fascinating: hilarious, sharp, cunning, ambitious, brilliant in her world. Granted, her world and mine are worlds apart, but a mother to another mother always seems to cut through any time and place, and this example is no different.
My favorite chapter hands down, is her chapter describing her daughter's birth, raising her, and her views on child rearing. Some highlights:
"For women, life is set up like a video game. It starts out in childhood with the Disney princesses, followed by the need to become the prettiest girl, the pop star, or the the model, and then, in high school, we're told that it's time to become the thinnest girl, then to become successful, find a guy, convince him to move in with us, get married, have a baby, and live happily ever after! We're constantly moving from level to level, trying to collect the promised prizes, without stopping to think about the order we want these things to come in, or whether we even really want them at all."
On maternity clothes: "Pea in the Pod made me want to kill myself. What were these fabrics? Floral prints? I was sure I'd rather clean toilets than be seen in them."
"I remember reading What to Expect When You're Expecting. Who has time to make buckwheat pancakes? Are you joking? I thought, as I read the meal plan." (I totally agree! That book is for maniacs with too much time on their hands. I banished it early into my pregnancy.)
"It's as if, during labor, Mother Nature implants a computer chip in your brain that makes you want to love this person you don't even know, so that after three days of nonstop breastfeeding, when you leave the baby with your mom...there's suddenly this voice in your head shrieking,'You need to go back to the baby right now!' And yet you look at your child and you just know from the beginning that she's going to break your heart."
"People think their twenties are this really great time because that's when they're hot, but the truth is that we don't even become women, I believe, until we're thirty. You've probably already done everything embarrassing in your twenties, from drugs and binge-drinking to paranoid stalker girlfriend behaviors."
"...motherhood is a choice, not an obligation. In my life it has been a teaching, a tangible promise of progress, and a chance to experience totally unfaltering love. I had a baby because I have a lot to give and a lot to learn, not because my husband wanted one or because my parents wanted me to have one or because I viewed motherhood, then or now, as in any way essential to the experience of being female. In other words, not because it was the thing that came next."
I'm actually a little terrified how much I identify with this woman after reading her book. Because if you have ever seen or heard her, just WOW. But she literally left her heart on the pages of her book for all to see. I love, love, love her references to the "wolf pack" and how she calls her self "mama wolf" and says of her daughter, "We still sleep in the same bed, like wolves." I slept with Lauren for four months, nursing her around the clock. I felt like a mama wolf during those night hours, like I was in the wild, protecting her from harm's way. When you are going on no sleep and are half delirious, I really doubt there is much that does separate us from the animal world at that point. Another reason I heart Cutrone: she hates Disney. I wouldn't say that I hate it, because I'm sure I will be taking Lauren to the bobbity bippity salon to get glitterized in her princess dress like all of the other families do. But I do agree with Cutrone that even if you have to adopt the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude, they are sending our daughters an old and out dated message: "...every woman is damaged until some guy shows up and makes everything okay. Every one of those stories involves a guy making a woman's life magical." I don't know about you: I'm making my life work, but magical? Hmm. Not so much. I don't see a lot in the way of white horses and princes during my days, and I don't know anyone else that does either.
She's a warrior, a mover and a shaker, and incredibly successful. You should never judge a book by it's cover, as I and many others did of Cutrone. When it all comes down to it, she's reading her daughter Fancy Nancy books at the end of the day, just like the rest of us. She may be a warrior, but she's a little bit warrior princess, too.
♥ V :)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I ♥ books!
After Lauren's one year appointment today, I salvaged a few special hours out of my day after she was down for a nap with daddy at home. I loaded Audrey in the car and we headed to feed our addictions...sugar and books! Barnes and Noble! The mecca. Ahh, opening the big heavy wooden doors, the scent of coffee wafting in the air, the shiny paperbacks glistening under the overhead lights, my heart swells and I am happy. Books, books, everywhere books, magazines, the PRINTED WORD surrounding me. I let Audrey loose in the junior section and I headed off to bug the lady with my hand written note scribbled down before I left the house. (More to come on that later.) She entered the key words, and I heard the magic words...wait for it...IN STOCK! Yes! Touchdown! I grabbed some magazines that I can't justify buying any longer, because let's face it, I'm not going to be wearing any of that crap any time soon. Fashion is about as good to me now as say, an umbrella in a hurricane. I had my treat - the same thing I get every time - a red velvet cupcake. She had a big chocolate chip cookie, before dinner. It was just one of those special evenings!
♥ V :)
♥ V :)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Hard hats
Some days, being a working mother is just fucking hard. Watching Lauren cry so hard she was hiccuping when I had to leave her this morning with daddy...there are just no words. No words.
I've been thinking lately about all of the hats that we all wear, and our decisions, and how those decisions affect what hats we wear all day long. I made a decision a long time ago to go after a career, chase it as hard as I could. When I was 10 years old in my bedroom studying for straight A's, I didn't think about how getting straight A's would ultimately lead to a career; I was just focused on getting straight A's. And I wanted to be the top 6th grade student. When I was the top 6th grade student, I then wanted to be the top 8th grade student. (Seeing a pattern here?) After that, I wanted to be valedictorian - and have the hightest grade point average of my graduating class. I sacrificed a lot - and worked really fucking hard while most people were goofing off - and I got scholarships to college. And then after undergrad, I thought - well, I'm going to do it eventually, so I'll get my Master's degree because the economy is shit and my mom did it so I'm doing it.
Being focused and driven is a personality trait that I cannot escape, for better or worse. It is who I am. It is who I am when I get out of bed in the morning, and who I am when I go to bed at night. Thoughts of the future consume me - I'm always thinking of the next step and where I want to be.
The thing you don't think of when you are 10 years old is that someday, you're going to have babies and you're going to want to stay home with those babies and raise them. And you're not going to want to have co-workers and meetings and bosses and feedback and a desk and a commute and coffee breaks and status updates and bosses with grey hair that really don't give a shit that you're a new mom. Men don't understand these things. Men don't know what it's like to carry a person inside of you for 10 months, give her your milk when she's born and that one day you have to leave her. You have to leave her and go make money because you're supporting your family, and you have to go act like you care about funds from operations and net income. Some days I do care - and I feel challenged, and those are the good days. Other days, I really just want to stay home and cuddle my baby, drink my coffee during the View and call it a day.
I don't think that I would be 100% happy as a stay at home mother, and this I know. Most days I'm happy to go to my desk and my safe routine and feel productive. My day is NOT surrounded by small people who poop their pants and teeth on my legs. I love her with all my heart, but I love me too, and I was me before I was her mother. I know that I have to go make money, but she doesn't know where I go. She doesn't know about jobs and money yet. She just knows that I leave her.
On days like this, when it's hard to hold the tears back and get through the day, I think of my daughter and I have to think of the big picture. I want her to know that her mother was loving, and loved her, but that she was intelligent and worked hard and she was sharp and set her goals high and achieved them. My mother is brilliant, and I watched her be brilliant and work my entire childhood. When she stood on the stage and directed her choirs, in her sparkling outfits with head held high in front of an entire audience, I was so proud of her that I wanted to explode. "That is my mother!" I thought, who is confident and can do anything. I know that my daugher won't come to my desk and see me punch a calculator and feel exactly the same things. But I want her to know that she can do anything, whether it's stand in front of an audience and direct beautiful music, or compete in a man's world. Whatever the symphony of her heart is, and wherever it leads her, I pray that she has the confidence to accomplish it all.
♥ V
I've been thinking lately about all of the hats that we all wear, and our decisions, and how those decisions affect what hats we wear all day long. I made a decision a long time ago to go after a career, chase it as hard as I could. When I was 10 years old in my bedroom studying for straight A's, I didn't think about how getting straight A's would ultimately lead to a career; I was just focused on getting straight A's. And I wanted to be the top 6th grade student. When I was the top 6th grade student, I then wanted to be the top 8th grade student. (Seeing a pattern here?) After that, I wanted to be valedictorian - and have the hightest grade point average of my graduating class. I sacrificed a lot - and worked really fucking hard while most people were goofing off - and I got scholarships to college. And then after undergrad, I thought - well, I'm going to do it eventually, so I'll get my Master's degree because the economy is shit and my mom did it so I'm doing it.
Being focused and driven is a personality trait that I cannot escape, for better or worse. It is who I am. It is who I am when I get out of bed in the morning, and who I am when I go to bed at night. Thoughts of the future consume me - I'm always thinking of the next step and where I want to be.
The thing you don't think of when you are 10 years old is that someday, you're going to have babies and you're going to want to stay home with those babies and raise them. And you're not going to want to have co-workers and meetings and bosses and feedback and a desk and a commute and coffee breaks and status updates and bosses with grey hair that really don't give a shit that you're a new mom. Men don't understand these things. Men don't know what it's like to carry a person inside of you for 10 months, give her your milk when she's born and that one day you have to leave her. You have to leave her and go make money because you're supporting your family, and you have to go act like you care about funds from operations and net income. Some days I do care - and I feel challenged, and those are the good days. Other days, I really just want to stay home and cuddle my baby, drink my coffee during the View and call it a day.
I don't think that I would be 100% happy as a stay at home mother, and this I know. Most days I'm happy to go to my desk and my safe routine and feel productive. My day is NOT surrounded by small people who poop their pants and teeth on my legs. I love her with all my heart, but I love me too, and I was me before I was her mother. I know that I have to go make money, but she doesn't know where I go. She doesn't know about jobs and money yet. She just knows that I leave her.
On days like this, when it's hard to hold the tears back and get through the day, I think of my daughter and I have to think of the big picture. I want her to know that her mother was loving, and loved her, but that she was intelligent and worked hard and she was sharp and set her goals high and achieved them. My mother is brilliant, and I watched her be brilliant and work my entire childhood. When she stood on the stage and directed her choirs, in her sparkling outfits with head held high in front of an entire audience, I was so proud of her that I wanted to explode. "That is my mother!" I thought, who is confident and can do anything. I know that my daugher won't come to my desk and see me punch a calculator and feel exactly the same things. But I want her to know that she can do anything, whether it's stand in front of an audience and direct beautiful music, or compete in a man's world. Whatever the symphony of her heart is, and wherever it leads her, I pray that she has the confidence to accomplish it all.
♥ V
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine's Date
Mr. Awesome and I had a lovely Valentine's date last night. Let me preface this by saying that last year at this time, we had a two week old baby in the house, my post partum (which only lasted a week, but it was still a HORRIBLE week) depression had just kicked in, and you could say I was acting like one of those people on the commericals with the sad music. Um, they are not kidding about that apparently. I was acting so bad that Ian got me a card, a rose and he chose to leave the rose in the garage because I was so horrible. Apparently not only did I have depression that made me sad, it made me mad as well. Like, really mad and mean. So, as you can see, last year - not so great.
So fast forward one year. This year in honor of surviving the first year of parenthood, we chose to go all out. I made chocolate dipped strawberries with TWO colors of chocolate, bought champagne and champagne glasses, lit little rose colored candles all over the kitchen, had a CD with all of those great old love songs on it (my personal favorite - "You make me feel....You make me feel...You make me feel like a NATURAL WOOOOMAN!" Haha so ridiculous but funny) and we got dressed up in our finery. Finery meaning jeans (tight ones, not boring ones! For me, not Ian.) and nice shirts. I was NOT wearing glasses, house slippers and grey sweatpants, so already, Ian was pretty much stoked. I bought Ian new guitar strings and a tuner, you know, so he can start singing me all of those songs that made me fall in love with him again. We exchanged carefully sought out cards, after last year, Ian bought me a card with an ape on it - which I was NOT happy about, and have been periodically reminding him about on and off, for about a year. (My card was good - YOU just try finding a card for the father of your child, who you are living with, but not married to, and who you have two step kids with. Let's just say I searched early and hard.)
We started the night at Scotties Brewpub. Oh, the north side meat market with overpriced drinks, how I have missed you! Even though it is over priced, I don't know how they do it - it is always packed and crowded here, no matter when you go. So you are pretty much guaranteed a good time. This part of the evening I will call "making small talk like a couple that does not live together." You know, at first you sit down and get a drink, and really, what can you talk about? We live together and have a baby. But it was fun to pretend like we didn't live together and have a baby. And we talked about sports and friends and whatever else you would talk about on a date.
The next part of the evening I will call "having dinner at Eddie Merlot's and paying too much for it but not caring." Some days, you just have to kick up your heels and live a little. Let's just say that last night, we kicked up our heels and kicked up everyone else's heels on the block as well. But it was so worth it!! Dirty martini's with stuffed olives!! The best soup of my liiiiiiiiife, lobster bisque - heaven in my mouth. Steak, steak, steak. Drinks, drinks, drinks. Love, love, love.
When you are in a relationship, it's easy to not try at this stuff anymore. Just settle in and take the other person for granted. Get jaded about it and laugh it off and say it doesn't matter. But if you look back and say, What if there was ONE day of the year, that we showered the person we love with over the top, ridiculous shows of emotion? That would be great. And it was pretty great. Hey - I got twelve roses instead of zero this year, so right there you could say it was a pretty amazing night. ♥
So fast forward one year. This year in honor of surviving the first year of parenthood, we chose to go all out. I made chocolate dipped strawberries with TWO colors of chocolate, bought champagne and champagne glasses, lit little rose colored candles all over the kitchen, had a CD with all of those great old love songs on it (my personal favorite - "You make me feel....You make me feel...You make me feel like a NATURAL WOOOOMAN!" Haha so ridiculous but funny) and we got dressed up in our finery. Finery meaning jeans (tight ones, not boring ones! For me, not Ian.) and nice shirts. I was NOT wearing glasses, house slippers and grey sweatpants, so already, Ian was pretty much stoked. I bought Ian new guitar strings and a tuner, you know, so he can start singing me all of those songs that made me fall in love with him again. We exchanged carefully sought out cards, after last year, Ian bought me a card with an ape on it - which I was NOT happy about, and have been periodically reminding him about on and off, for about a year. (My card was good - YOU just try finding a card for the father of your child, who you are living with, but not married to, and who you have two step kids with. Let's just say I searched early and hard.)
We started the night at Scotties Brewpub. Oh, the north side meat market with overpriced drinks, how I have missed you! Even though it is over priced, I don't know how they do it - it is always packed and crowded here, no matter when you go. So you are pretty much guaranteed a good time. This part of the evening I will call "making small talk like a couple that does not live together." You know, at first you sit down and get a drink, and really, what can you talk about? We live together and have a baby. But it was fun to pretend like we didn't live together and have a baby. And we talked about sports and friends and whatever else you would talk about on a date.
The next part of the evening I will call "having dinner at Eddie Merlot's and paying too much for it but not caring." Some days, you just have to kick up your heels and live a little. Let's just say that last night, we kicked up our heels and kicked up everyone else's heels on the block as well. But it was so worth it!! Dirty martini's with stuffed olives!! The best soup of my liiiiiiiiife, lobster bisque - heaven in my mouth. Steak, steak, steak. Drinks, drinks, drinks. Love, love, love.
When you are in a relationship, it's easy to not try at this stuff anymore. Just settle in and take the other person for granted. Get jaded about it and laugh it off and say it doesn't matter. But if you look back and say, What if there was ONE day of the year, that we showered the person we love with over the top, ridiculous shows of emotion? That would be great. And it was pretty great. Hey - I got twelve roses instead of zero this year, so right there you could say it was a pretty amazing night. ♥
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Snowed in
Yesterday the snow hit as planned to our little city. It was beautiful downtown, no wind, just big pretty flakes coming down. I had a half day at work, and it was really coming down the closer I got to home. I got settled in for a cozy afternoon and evening at home. Took a relaxing nap while Lauren was down too...got up and picked up the house, lit some candles and hunkered down to enjoy being snowed in with Mr.Awesome. Cracked open a new bottle of white wine, had a fire in the fireplace, enjoyed tomato soup and grilled cheese. Listened to the fire crackle and the wind roar as we watched "Paranormal Activity" with all of the lights out. What a great night in our cozy little house. Together, warm, happy. Doesn't get much better than that.
♥ V :)
♥ V :)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
28 and Pregnant
Ian and I finished watching the final episode of MTV's "16 and pregnant" last night. He watches it against his will, but actually, I think we see more of ourselves in those young couples than we would ever say out loud. We've watched the lives of these teens unfold for weeks, and the show brings me to tears almost every single week. Watching Farrah not want to waste her good looks sitting at home with baby Sophia, and Maci try and get through to Ryan and not understand how he can walk away from Bentley over and over again. Amber, who actually lives in Anderson, Indiana wasn't given much in the way of looks or brains, but she is a good mom and dear God, the fact that she puts up with Gary is astonishing and proves that there truly is someone for EVERYONE. (Ian wants to start the Gary fan club, but I keep trying to talk him out of it.) And Catelynn and Tyler, who we call the most mature kids in America...there are no words to say how far they have come, after deciding to give their daughter up for adoption. They are poor. And they know it. And they made the impossible decision to send their daughter to a good Christian home to a couple that couldn't get pregnant. The scene where Catelynn ties Tyler's tie before dinner and his father Butch lets it be known that he's never even WORN a tie...says it all. It's like, you can see the American dream before you...that hopefully the next generation can do better than the one before.
Which leads me to MY show idea, 28 and pregnant. Because if you look around at half of my friends, we could have a full cast between just us! I won't name names, but let's just say, it's half of my friends. I know for me, that watching that show makes me remember how I felt when I took that pregnancy test, alone, the first one I had ever bought, and it was positive. I already knew it would be. These things you just know, you sense. And I felt 16 again. Scared, terrified, panicked and mentally saying every cuss word I've ever known over and over again in my head 100 times. I knew there was a chance, but had checked the damn calendar over and over again and I took the risk. I gambled, and I won a prize - but it wasn't one I was expecting that day, that way. Some day, of course, but not then, on that day.
Even though I turned my life upside down to have Lauren - literally, took the person that was me and shook her up in a blender and changed everything about my life - I was able to do it, because I have Ian and my education and a good job and experiences behind me and a wonderful support system of family. I have a lot less money and basically no free time and lot more responsibility - but there is a deep happiness there - the kind that you when you lay your head down at night, it feels right. I no longer feel like I'm waiting on my life to start these days.
I had 12 more years of life experience than the girls on 16 and Pregnant when I got pregnant with Lauren. Twelve! College, grad school, travel, the me years. However, I know as hard as those girls have it, that as much as they given up - they're now in the sisterhood, just a little earlier than they would have liked. And you just pray with all of your heart that they make it, that they succeed and that those babies can know what was sacrificed for them to be given life.
♥ V :)
Which leads me to MY show idea, 28 and pregnant. Because if you look around at half of my friends, we could have a full cast between just us! I won't name names, but let's just say, it's half of my friends. I know for me, that watching that show makes me remember how I felt when I took that pregnancy test, alone, the first one I had ever bought, and it was positive. I already knew it would be. These things you just know, you sense. And I felt 16 again. Scared, terrified, panicked and mentally saying every cuss word I've ever known over and over again in my head 100 times. I knew there was a chance, but had checked the damn calendar over and over again and I took the risk. I gambled, and I won a prize - but it wasn't one I was expecting that day, that way. Some day, of course, but not then, on that day.
Even though I turned my life upside down to have Lauren - literally, took the person that was me and shook her up in a blender and changed everything about my life - I was able to do it, because I have Ian and my education and a good job and experiences behind me and a wonderful support system of family. I have a lot less money and basically no free time and lot more responsibility - but there is a deep happiness there - the kind that you when you lay your head down at night, it feels right. I no longer feel like I'm waiting on my life to start these days.
I had 12 more years of life experience than the girls on 16 and Pregnant when I got pregnant with Lauren. Twelve! College, grad school, travel, the me years. However, I know as hard as those girls have it, that as much as they given up - they're now in the sisterhood, just a little earlier than they would have liked. And you just pray with all of your heart that they make it, that they succeed and that those babies can know what was sacrificed for them to be given life.
♥ V :)
Day jobs
I just got online and started snooping around "Etsy" the website that is "a buzz" these days, featuring regular people selling their crafts online. You know how I love a good craft; I really ♥ crafts. They just make me happy! So there is a part of etsy that features people that quit their ______ (insert boring job title) day job and now "craft" full time. Who would have thought! I have always dreamed of having a little shop, of being Kathleen Kelly on "You've got mail." I would hire lovely people to work with, who I could chat with and sip tea and have lovely banter. (These people would NOT be militant grey haired workaholic men who cheat on their wives, by the way. Just saying.) People would go out of their way to stop at my happy little shop, and browse and buy gifts and find special things to treasure and take home with them. And I would be a nice boss and I would wear pink twinsets and floral skirts and Lauren would come in my shop and twirl around like a ballerina!...or something along those lines.
I find it necessary to day dream and envision working for myself OFTEN, since I work in corporate America. I read a blog today about a doctor who went to Haiti to volunteer for the earthquake victims, and he said it reminded him of why he went to med school in the first place. I think lately I need reminders of why I am doing what I am doing. Mainly, to pay the bills - but isn't there more to life than just that? More than just reaping the benefits of flex spending accounts and free gym memberships and retirement savings? I work for what I consider a "fluff" industry. Shopping. Consumerism. I just want to scream at the lifers here, "We work on SHOPPING malls. Shopping." People lose perspective when they've worked somewhere for many years, I guess.
I'm thankful for my job every day. With an almost 10% unemployment rate, who wouldn't be? And when I have tough days (there was an incident that may have occurred yesterday that may have involved leaving my car in a loading zone, FORGETTING to move it, walking to the parking garage, not finding my car, REMEMBERING where said car was, and almost having a heart attack of thinking I would have to call Ian to drive downtown at 6pm because my car had been towed to a faraway place) it helps me to think of me in a little shop, crafting away, far away from the ladders of corporate America.
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."
~Kathleen Kelly
♥ V :)
I find it necessary to day dream and envision working for myself OFTEN, since I work in corporate America. I read a blog today about a doctor who went to Haiti to volunteer for the earthquake victims, and he said it reminded him of why he went to med school in the first place. I think lately I need reminders of why I am doing what I am doing. Mainly, to pay the bills - but isn't there more to life than just that? More than just reaping the benefits of flex spending accounts and free gym memberships and retirement savings? I work for what I consider a "fluff" industry. Shopping. Consumerism. I just want to scream at the lifers here, "We work on SHOPPING malls. Shopping." People lose perspective when they've worked somewhere for many years, I guess.
I'm thankful for my job every day. With an almost 10% unemployment rate, who wouldn't be? And when I have tough days (there was an incident that may have occurred yesterday that may have involved leaving my car in a loading zone, FORGETTING to move it, walking to the parking garage, not finding my car, REMEMBERING where said car was, and almost having a heart attack of thinking I would have to call Ian to drive downtown at 6pm because my car had been towed to a faraway place) it helps me to think of me in a little shop, crafting away, far away from the ladders of corporate America.
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."
~Kathleen Kelly
♥ V :)
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