Secrets and a Snake

Ok, Sara, you have inspired me with your confessions. Deep dark confessions are the BEST to read!

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try to be real, that I would not become one of those candy-coated mommy bloggers that brags about her kids.  Because it's not easy, and it's hard and I have doubts every day about whether or not I'm doing a good enough job. I have doubts at my work; I have doubts about Ian and I. Sometimes it feels like I want to run away and "drop my basket" like Vivi did in the Yaya's. I TRY to keep perspective, and I TRY to see the light side of things, but I do have my dark moments, and lately I've been having a lot of them. I want them to go away, but I realize that they may never really go away...that I just have to work through them and that hopefully on the other side of these doubts, I will find all of those cotton candy rainbows that you envision when you are growing up.

So here they are...my true confessions:

1.) I worry that I chose the totally wrong career. I'm trying to fix this but I often think SELF, why did you check that little box next to accounting? Oh self, why would you do such a thing. (I also confess that one day I may snap and yell at all of the people that talk to me at work to LEAVE ME ALONE. I do not want to hear your stories. I don't care what happened in traffic this morning. I just simply don't give a damn.)
2.) I worry that I don't spend enough time with Lauren. Why doesn't she cry when I leave...is it because she is so used to me leaving that it is normal to her?
3.) Why do I suck so bad at monogamy? Not in being monogamous, but in WANTING to be?  Why do I fantasize about running away to a little village by the sea and never returning, and leaving all of my responsibilities at home. Did I not get the gene?
4.) I miss my friends so much. I miss having friends that I get to see all the time. I miss drinking martini's and wearing bright green eye shadow if I want to, with blue mascara and long dangly earrings. I miss having reasons to wear those things in the first place. You don't get to wear bright green eye shadow when you're a mom.
5.) I worry I'll be eternally young at heart forever.

I really need to shake this funk. 

P.S. I thought I was having a bad week until this morning. My mom told me that my sister found a snake in her closet.  Yep, she needs to move. That house ain't no good anymore. It just won't do.

Here's to hoping that we don't let our secrets or the snakes get the best of us.

♥ V :)

Camping and Canoeing!

I'm exhausted, filthy dirty and have an enormously busy week ahead, but if I don't post something tonight, there won't be any time!  The laundry is piled to the ceiling, I haven't showered since Friday but it was all so worth it to get away and go camping and canoeing this weekend.  I seriously couldn't take ONE more minute of corporate America after this week. I had to leave all of my stress at the office and head out into the beautiful, great, green outdoors...

Yesterday we did a million different things at Turkey Run.  We hiked trail number 3 (accidentally picked one that was treacherous - oops), which was beautiful and scary and fun!  We checked out the nature center.  We played 18 holes of putt putt golf, in which I WON (and therefore Ian lost, so we got to hike another trail this morning.)  We raced go karts (and watched some hill jack type people try to fight each other, and one actually pulled a gun. It's a long story, but let me tell you one thing: the people in Parke County are just DIFFERENT, OK. It's another world over there.)

Back at our cabin, which was basically the equivalent of sleeping in a shed when it's 90 degrees out with no air conditioning, we roasted hot dogs and made S'mores. And then we settled in and tried to sleep. It was HOT up in that cabin last night!! I have never appreciated air conditioning more in my life upon our return home. NEEEEVER.  (A lot of strange events on this trip related to people we saw - this morning I woke up to the couple next door fighting for two hours. Like, dropping the f' bomb fighting, over and over again.  THEN, we passed them on a trail this morning! Like a happy little normal family just hiking! It was bizarre. Olivia pointed at the woman and said, "That is the woman that was yelling!" She smirked at us.  Oh, what comes out of the mouths of babes.)

This morning we headed over to the Turkey Run Inn for the breakfast buffet. It was a magical breakfast experience. The donuts and french toast sticks were de-lic-ious.  Then we hit trail #6. Another beautiful trail, with lots of interesting things to take in. We stopped by the pool to swim for an hour, Gobbler's know for a snack, and then off to canoeing!

Thanks to Kelly and Nick for planning the canoe trip. We had a GREAT time!  I had not a care in the world floating and paddling down the long, winding, lazy river. It was fun to stop, throw back a couple drinks and catch up with Abbey and Kelly. It's been a while since we have gotten to see any friends, so I really appreciated everyone getting together.

It's back to the grind this week...another grueling budget week with month end close thrown in for fun. It will be insanely, miserably busy. I'm already looking forward to the looong, lazy three day weekend for Labor Day. Summer is almost over, and we have squeezed in every fun thing we possibly could. It's exhausting AND exhilarating and I've loved (almost) ever minute of it! Everyone have a great week! (I'll be paddling in my mind on the river, not in my cubicle if you need me...)

♥ V :)

One Car and One Martini

Sliding up to the bar, I swing my leg over the bar stool and lay my magazine, purse and cell phone down.  I ease into the seat, and grasp for the shiny, massive menu that is The Cheesecake Factory.  I scan the martini's, quickly, because the quicker I order, the quicker I get my one, precious, glorious martini. It has to be quick, because I have exactly 24 minutes until I pick up Mr. Awesome at work, and then it's back to reality.

Don't. judge. me.

###

Thursday:

Mr. Awesome: "It's your lucky day!"

Me: "Why?" (Suspicious tone)

Mr. Awesome: "You get to take the girls to the Justin Bieber concert!"

Me: "Umm...sure?"

Two opening acts, two intermissions, $10 for 3 drinks, 2 million (it seemed like) screaming tween girls and one Bieber Fever later, I arrive home from downtown, after a 15 hour day.  It's not bad enough that I wasn't a concert person the FIRST time around; I just sat through over three hours of shrieking fans yelling in a sweater vest, pearls and a white colored shirt with a too big $400 coach purse, surrounded by tan, cougar looking women in sparkly tank tops and too high heals leading little girls in tutu's by the hand.  (Will my Lauren do this some day? Jump up and down at a concert, sing all the words and scream her head off for a 17 year old teen pop star? The idea is exciting and at the same time, absolutely terrifying. ) The past and future sorority girls of the world were all in attendance tonight, while I sit back feeling once again, why is it that I'm here?

Saturday: Zionsville horse fair, Lauren covered in heat rash

Sunday: Selena Gomez concert at the state fair, in 100 degree temps

Monday: House cleaner came, house still a wreck and WHERE ARE THE LAST TWO DIAPERS? The important two, the two that are in Lauren's room for after her bath and the next morning. As I'm looking around, of course Lauren (who is naked from her bath) begins to pee on the changing table, so it's BACK to the bath. One disgruntled phone call later to get her to come back and finish the job she started, I'm not convinced she didn't steal those two diapers. Seriously, WHO STEALS DIAPERS?!

All week: SHARING ONE CAR

Dear God, is it fall yet? How much more of this torturous summer pace in Apocalypse type weather can we take?

Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top and TWO blue cheese stuffed olives...

Don't. Judge. Me.

♥ V :)

Balls in the air, and building it all back up...

Lauren and I had a glorious day today. We took a trip up to Lafayette, to see my parents and visit the Columbia Park zoo. We had a delicious picnic in the pavilion, thanks to my mother. My mother, who is superwoman. She should go around town wearing a cape...

We casually planned yesterday to have a picnic at the park today, thrown together last minute. I said I would bake cupcakes and bring chips and drinks. Ian said, "Betcha won't" and as usual, he was right. (In fairness, I did break out my Betty - that's Betty Crocker - and dust her off, to look up a red velvet cupcake recipe. But when I discovered that a red velvet cupcake is really a devil's food chocolate cupcake with some red food coloring, I felt cheated. How could this be?? The cupcakes did not get made.) Sooo, I showed up at the picnic with three bottles of water. My mother, on the other hand, had rolled out her checked table cloth and it appeared that she did not sleep last night. Homemade potato salad (she scoffed when we asked her where she bought it - "Buy?? I don't buy those kinds of things!), brownies cut into squares and placed upon squares of parchment paper ever so gently on top of each other, a farmer's market worthy display of fruits, and my favorite, little baggies of pickles, each marked "sweet" and "dill." She took a marker and literally marked sweet and dill!! I would have thrown a jar in and hoped it didn't break along the way. There were many more things that are not mentioned here. And of course she had a bib laid out, and a spoon, just for Lauren. It didn't occur to me, her mother, to bring those items. Of course.

(The spread: Look close - you can actually see my three bottles of water! Betty, I am not)

Lately it has been ocurring to me that these are the "building years." At some point in my life, I hope that I will be able to pack a perfec picnic basket. But right now, I'm teetering at the point of, "You're 30 years old, it's not about you anymore, wake up!! Become an adult, put on your big girl pants and deal." My late twenties were a flurry of changes. Met Ian, made Lauren, planned for Lauren, bought house, moved in together, hatched Lauren, survived the first year of motherhood - and somewhere thrown in there were - survive career in challenging corporate environment, become a stepmother, bond with stepchildren, support all of said people with challenging corporate job, balance being a working mother, and try to stay in love with Ian during a recession when we are flat broke and possibly enduring one of the most challenging times we will ever endure together, ever.

I'm not complaining; I'm one of those people that is happiest when I am the busiest and have lots of balls in the air. It's when those balls start coming down that things get a little hairy.  Lauren is no longer a baby, and I'm beginning to smell the taste of freedom that that brings. The "baby" fog has lifted - a fog because you know you're happy, but you can't really tie the happiness to why exactly, because it's freaking hard and you're exhausted and you have to buy formula that's $24 a can and breastfeed at the same time, and did I mention you're tired. All of that fog is gone now, and she's a beautiful toddling toddler. So there's that ball starting to come down. Second, Ian is starting to make money again. Like, kind of a lot of it. Now, we have "What do we do with this money?" kind of conversations, instead of "How are we going to buy diapers so we can keep the mortgage within 30 days current?" kind of conversations. It's nice, and we know it won't last forever, and it's a good problem to have, but it's just...very strange. So that ball is gone (for now.)

And last, but not least, there's My Career. That old thing, that at times over the past two years, was nothing but a necessary evil to pay the bills and keep diapers on Lauren. But I've been at my job for over three years. I have a few options within the company now. It feels good, and my rookie period is done. But there is that fear that when they call you up to the majors that you've spent so much time playing AAA ball that maybe you can't hang, maybe you need more time. However, you know that it's time to get off the porch and go run with the big dogs. And that's exciting, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to go to work and feel challenged and hopeful and exhilerated again. So there's that.

They say that your brain can have up to 60,000 thoughts a day. And lately, I've been thinking about all of these things, I would say, atleast 60,000 if not 600,000 times a day. And at times it feels overwhelming. But I am excited about all of these changes. I feel like there are many great things on the horizon, for me and my little family. And although I may forget a bib or a spoon, and I can't pack a picnic basket perfectly yet (I hold great amounts of hope that my cooking talents are laying dormant, but that they will surface at some point), I can lay my head down at night knowing that I loved my daughter with all of my heart and gave her all that I could. Not all mothers can say that, as I witnessed tonight.

So for tonight, even though those thoughts are swirling in my head, my heart will be happy, and hopeful. And that is a very good place to be.

♥ V :)

We are on our way to accomplish great things!

Mommy and Lauren day

Today was a wonderful day.

I started off my day with a baby shower at 10am, after driving through showers of rain to get there.  My friend Kasey is due September 30th, and today was her day to be showered.  Cupcakes, games, prayer, gifts, well wishes and friends - what a wonderful start to the weekend.

I arrived home to greet Lauren with kisses and hugs for the start of a mommy and sissy day.  Daddy headed off to play 18. I love these days! After lunch, juice, nap and mommy starting the laundry and cleaning, we headed off for a mini-adventure. A quick run to the pet store for Lauren to see the animals: birds, kitties, colorful fish. Then on to Michael's for crafts.

Back at home, Lauren and I listened to music (I don't like a lot of TV on our special days), played with books and dolls, folded laundry (and refolded and refolded after Lauren's "help"). I chased her up the stairs and through the house, to squeals and giggles.  We share snacks and treats.  She kicked back on the couch for a little Spongebob and milk - the equivalent of a toddler of kicking off her shoes after a long day of work.

On to dinner, bath and books, and then back up again for another hour when she wasn't tired enough to sleep. Finally she is down, and I go back in her room one last time, where I am surrounded by the sweet, soft smell of a clean, fresh baby in slumber. I cover her with her blanket, and leave her to her baby dreams. I don't know if babies dream, but I hope that her head is filled with peaceful, happy thoughts of our day together.

Today was a wonderful day!

P.S. Here are my latest felt treats I whipped up today. Look close, there's a whip stitch in there. :)

♥ V :)

Romantic Getaway Weekend Proposal!!!

Here I am, signing in for the first time as the future Mrs. Hancock!  As many of you know, Mr. Awesome proposed this past weekend in Michigan.  I'm wearing my beautiful, sparkly ring and I couldn't be happier. Although I must admit, in traditional fashion of our whole relationship, nothing ever seems to go as planned, and that's ok.

It was so nice to hit the open road Thursday for a road trip together.  Something about a road trip says summer, and exploration, and love.  We arrived in South Bend, hit a few local hot spots downtown, enjoyed live music, drinks, easy conversation. The next morning we drove around Notre Dame and Ian took in all the sights for his beloved Irish team. After a couple more hours, we were on the quaint streets of Grand Haven. We explored the new little town, and then got ready for a dinner out.

The restaurant, the Grand, was in an old movie theatre. It was literally, PERFECT. Old jazz playing, dim lights, and my drink was called Breakfast at Tiffany's. How much more perfect does it get? Our dinner was delicious in every sense of the word. It was a culinary experience. Mr. Awesome had obviously hit this one out of the park!

Of course, nothing is ever perfect. And I've learned to expect it and laugh at it. (Now, not so much then.) It's at about that point in the evening when BAM, my horrible heartburn that I suffered last year after Lauren was born decided to resurface. The kind that comes in waves and nothing gets rid of it. It was alarmingly awful. And the bubble that we were in...started to come down from the sky. After getting some drugs, and leaving my beautiful flaky white fish on the plate, along with half of my Holly Golightly drink, we went next door to the Theatre Bar.

Now, this was supposed to be a "jazz piano bar." But what ensued was most definitely NOT jazz piano. It was spastic one-man guitar playing classic rock request night.  I sipped my diet coke, and tried to dodge the drunken couple next to me.  Between their loud requests, drunken singing and makeout sessions, it was a challenge.

Obviously, this was not The Night.

Fastforward to the next morning. Ok, so we got a little off track. The sun will be out! We will go to the beach! I donned my beach attire. I SPF'd. And what do you know? I went down to the lobby, and what do I see, but rain drops and clouds instead of sunshine and rays.  Ok, now I was getting a little peeved. This was our Romantic Getaway Weekend! There are no clouds on This Weekend!

I got in to a bit of a funk after that. Michigan is wonderful, but Michigan while it's raining leaves a little to be desired. We drove to Holland. I bought Lauren expensive things. But when would Our Moment come?

Finally, after doing everything that we could think of to entertain ourselves, we took a nice evening stroll along the boardwalk.  We entered the pier, and the waves were crashing. The lighthouse was shrouded by big pink skies and white puffy clouds. And on the way back, Ian dropped to one knee. Only we will know what was said. It was Our Moment. And now we are engaged. ♥

My journey with Ian has not always been smooth sailing, from the very beginning. It has been challenging, and out of order, and all over the place. But he was there to hold my hand in the delivery room. He puts up with me and my moods, and I take him for all that he is as well, good and bad. This weekend was no different.  We came out on top, just like I pray that we always will.

♥ V :)

P.S. Thank God for I-phones! A total stranger walking by snapped this shot of Ian proposing, and emailed it to me on the spot. Can you believe that?!

Romantic Getaway Weekend ♥

Well, it's almost that time!  Almost time for Ian and I to begin what I have been calling our "Romantic Getaway Trip."  We are going to Grand Haven, Michigan for a long weekend, alone. Aloooooone. Ahhh. I just keep saying the word over and over again. Apparently, there is a beach with waves and everything less than 4 hours away! Who knew. I'm not sure why I have been paying $500 to fly to a beach in Florida in March when I could drive to one in July for the cost of a tank of gas. What's on tap for tonight is getting a hotel in South Bend. Ian is pumped to be right on Notre Dame's campus. I'm pumped to hit their little downtown area tonight. And I say "on tap" because I plan on finding a bar that college kids frequent and taking advantage of Thirsty Thusday! Yes I will feel old, and No, I don't care!

Here are my observations about our romantic getaway trip so far:

A three day weekend requires many, many outfits. Every outfit has to pass the "Does this look like a romantic getaway outfit?" I want people to say, "That girl looks like she is on a romantic getaway!" If the outfit doesn't meet those standards, then it can not be bought nor packed.

I could not go on a proper romantic getaway with my hair dyed from a box. That's right, I have full on shiny fresh HIGHLIGHTS! I have washed the recession out of my hair!

Even though I get ready at the gym at work multiple days a week, I somehow needed to buy miniature sizes of EVERYTHING. You would think that I was going to the jungle, with no CVS for miles and miles. I just can't pass up those adorable little mini bottles of face wash and lotion. They are only 99 cents!! I had to have them all.

I'm to the point in my life where I will buy a $9 swimsuit coverup, and a $10 piece of "lingerie" (I use the term lightly) at Walmart. I figure that people that shop at Walmart are probably demographically poorer and larger than the people that shop at Victoria's Secret. Therefore, that will make their slinky outfits smaller and cheaper, which makes me happy. :)

I can't wait for our getaway weekend! ♥

P.S. Chaffee, I hope your face has healed from your bout with poison ivy. Let's get together, yeah yeah yeah, next week before you leave me and I sink into a deep, dark depression.
P.P.S. Please no one rob our house while we are gone. Trust me, there's nothing in there you would want.
P.P.P.S. Check back Monday for an exciting post-romantic-getaway-trip post!! ;)

♥ V :)